Warning: this blog contains whining
If you are still reading, you realize that whining isn't really my thing, but today is an emotional dump day. School starts next week and I will be sending Grace off to kindergarten. This shouldn't be that big of a deal, she has been in full-time pre-school for the past three years but there is something very emotional about kindergarten. My little girl isn't going to be a little girl much longer! I'm coupling this with having the triplets qualify for an early intervention program today. All three have developmental delays related to their adjusted age. If you don't know what an adjusted age is, you take how old the baby is (17 weeks) and subtract how many weeks early they were (9 weeks). This makes my kiddos adjusted age at 8 weeks or 2 months. They should at least be doing things a 2 month old would do and some things a 4 month old would do. They pretty much are, but there are some things they should be doing that they are not. Hence the need for early intervention. We will have an occupational therapist and a developmental specialist to the house every other week to work with them and let me know what to do in between visits.
So that's the facts, the thoughts running through my head are, "you have the education to be a developmental specialist, why didn't you see this coming and already start working on it?" "Geez, your kid can't do that? You must really suck as a mother." And my personal favorite, "These people are going to realize I don't have it together and judge me based on my children." What they won't see is the 12 hours a day I spend making sure they are well fed and have clean diapers and clothes. They certainly won't see the 2-3 loads of laundry I have every day or the fact that I clean 20 bottles at a time and go through almost 4 quarts of formula. All while making sure they receive reflux meds and precautions and taking care of/entertaining a five year old. Let's not also forget there is the rest of the house to run. This involves grocery shopping, other errands, doctor's appointments, making business phone calls and generally trying to keep things from falling into chaos. Can you hear the whine at this point?
Some women start in their 20's (or even teens) knowing that they want to be a SAHM. This is a role they identify with early on and embrace. I envy those women. I was never one of those women. My plan was to work full-time, further my education and raise my one child. When we decided to have a second child, I accepted that furthering my education would not happen, but I was working in a job that I loved and didn't need to do more. When the triple surprise came, I realized quite quickly that my life was no longer going to be the way I envisioned it. It's like taking a flight to Paris and landing in Australia. You didn't plan on Australia, it just happened. There are wonderful things there, but you were looking forward to croissants and the Eiffel Tower. Instead of shopping and the Louvre, you find yourself with koalas and kangaroos. Today has been a day of asking myself, "How the heck did I get here?" It's definitely an identity crisis. Everything of who I was physically, mentally, professionally has been changed in a very short amount of time. I brought barrettes and purses on my flight only to find I need board shorts and flip flops.
As I wind down this party, I'm reminded of a fortune cookie I got in 2001. It read, "Your wildest dreams will come true." I kept it taped to my home computer. That fortune cookie was a beacon of hope during some dark times. After Grace was born, I removed it thinking how my fortune had come true. Never did I imagine that my life would go beyond my wildest dreams. That's what God does. He takes our dream of going to Paris and reroutes us to Australia. A place we would never have gone on our own. A place with a beauty unlike any other on the planet. God's ultimate destination for us is not usually where we see our destination. But once we are there, it is so easy to look around and say, "Wow! Thank you, God for not giving me what I wanted. I would have missed out on all this!"
So I go to bed tonight thinking I still don't know who this new person is that used to be me. But I'm at least a little more thankful she has the opportunity to be here. As my precious children sleep, I praise God that he chose me to be their mommy.
Good night.
